i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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