So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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