You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
