I accidentally burped into my bong.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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