i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
True college students do jello shots in the library
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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