Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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