did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
