I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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