He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
