Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
