Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
