Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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