i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My vagina is officially offended.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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