i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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