There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
