The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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