Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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