And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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