it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
