roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
