Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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