i may or may not be watching the land before time
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize