why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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