I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
