Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
