my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
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