Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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