Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
