My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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