4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
two words: eviction party
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
