Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
