I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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