I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
