I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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