I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
