OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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