Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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