My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You are the jesus of drinking
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
