And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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