I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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