We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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