Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
we're so committed to being not committed
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
