I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
