I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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