just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
