i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
