Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
