Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
