You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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