he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
