omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
