I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
