his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
