In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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