I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
