after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
