I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
