I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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