Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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