I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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