I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
