i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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