I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize