I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
